Its only taken me 20+ years to make the decision and decide that this is what is best for my, mental, spiritual and physical well being. I have suffered in silence for so long. I have let it take control of me. I let it determine, my mood, my activity, my food. Most of all, I let it define who I AM! The dreaded scale. The small inconspicuous piece of bathroom furniture that taunts me daily. Every morning, during my brief, moment of uninterrupted silence, when the baby is still asleep, the hubby is preparing for work, I have a few moments to myself. DO I REALLY THOUGH? That cheap piece of bathroom furniture, is my life. As a woman, as a fitness professional, as a human being, that thing, has a control over me that I never thought I would allow to happen again. I spent my teenage years, battling between bulimia, and anorexia. I would go back and forth. Give each of those two eating disorders my all. Until, I felt like it was not getting the job done. Then I would switch to the next. I would binge until uncomfortably sick. Then I would spend 30minutes in the bathroom, purging as much as I could.When that stopped giving me what I wanted, I switched it up, thats when i became Anorexia. If i couldn’t have the best of both worlds, eating and purging, I was just going to not eat at all. That went on for awhile. Well into my early 20s. Until I passed out, and was taken to the hospital. Weighing in at a whooping 95lbs. Even at this point, no one knew what was happening. I worked out so much, everyone just assumed I was tiny. No one knew I had a deep dark secret. Despite, my obvious out of control life, the one thing that was consitient, was that damn scale. Every morning, every night, after every sickness! If it didn’t read how I thought it should, I knew how to make it adjust. It was my life line. The one thing I felt like I could control. LITTLE did I know, I wasn’t controlling anything. It controlled me! EVERY SINGLE PART OF ME, i need that damn scale to feel like I was worth something. That number on the scale was suppose to mean, I was pretty, I was fit. It was suppose to signify that I was perfect. I was so lost.
I ended up getting some therapy. I got my eating under control, reigned in my unhealthy workout patterns, I joined the ARMY. I felt like I was in control again. Then….I had babies. The first baby, I gained a ton of weight, I lost it pretty fast, not in any crazy way, just watched my calories and I ran. Then I started working night shifts, and put weight on. Then the second baby came. She is two now, and I am sitting here, lost all the pregnancy weight, but I am sitting here at the overweight pre-pregancy weight. I’m not happy.
And at this point, I don’t know what I am unhappy about. If I really sit and think, what about my reflection in the mirror upsets me, I can point out one or two things, but if Im going to be honest, they are not things that just flat out are awful. So, I have to ask myself. What am I unhappy about? FIRST THING, that pops in my mind, THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE!!!. WHY?? WHY?? WHY IS THAT NUMBER SO DAMN IMPORTANT? Does it define, how much I can deadlift? How much I can back squat? Does it define, the type of wife I am or the type of mom I am? NO! So why is it important to me!!? I cant answer that! If I could, I would have thrown that stupid contraption away along time ago. I have this number ingrained in my mind. That perfect number. A number that somehow will make everything perfect. I think in the back of my mind, this magic number, will make me squat better. make me feel better, make me look better. Reality check, none of those things are gonna happen. WHY? Because, I know, I will never be satisfied.
Something has to change. I tell all my clients, don’t look at the scale. Watch your measurements, the way your clothes fit, how you feel, the new strengths you gain every day. WHY CANT I DO THAT FOR MYSELF?
SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE!!!!! TODAY, THAT CHANGE IS GOING TO START. No more scale. Its put away, so it cant taunt me every day. My focus needs to change. I know what I need to do. I have the education and the background to lead me to where I want to be. I need to defeat my obstacles and have a goal in mind and go for it. I need to take my own expert advice, and practice what I preach. So, no more scale. That number will no longer define me. IT WILL NOT DEFINE ME!! I am more than a number on the scale!!!