Weight Struggles

This topic has been weighing on my heart for some time, and when i woke up this morning and it was the first thing I thought of, i realized how much it truly affects me! So, I decided to put it on paper and let it out! Maybe someone out there has the same struggle and I can help them to understand that they are not alone!

Every morning, like clockwork, it’s the same routine! I get up, make coffee, use the bathroom and then strip down and weigh myself! That moment determines how the rest of my day will go! If it’s lower, I feel accomplished, I feel empowered, motivated! If it’s the same, I’m indifferent! I didn’t gain, so I’m not upset, but i didn’t lose either, so maybe I need to try harder!? If the number is up…prepare to deal with my cranky side the rest of the day! No matter what that number is, I will still pick apart everything I did wrong the day before! Maybe if I hadn’t tasted the food before I seasoned it the scale would be lower! Maybe if I had drank just 20oz more of water, the scale would have gone down! Then I begin analyzing my workouts! Maybe I could have gone harder! Maybe I need to start logging how many calories I’m burning for each workout! Maybe I should lift less and increase my cardio! Should I nix my lifting until I drop all this body fat and then start lifting again!

Every day, all day, this is what’s it’s like in my head! It’s constant! It’s draining, it’s numbing! It makes me second guess everything I eat! My current struggle is with getting my food in check! While I still obsess over the scale everyday, and I still obsess over my food, I’m currently struggling with tracking, with portion control, with cravings! I’m struggling with my inability to limit myself! Because I’m afraid! I’ve been In that dark place! So many times! I’ve been sickly skinny, I’ve purged over and over again, I’ve binged and then purged, some times multiple times in 1 day! I was bad off! With that being said, I struggle with tracking! While it does give me a sense of control, it also makes me uneasy! I don’t like to limit my food choices because it makes me feel like I’m spiraling back into the dark places! However, at 33yrs old with 2 kids, I struggle with maintaining my weight!

If I religiously track, and I keep it clean, I succeed at dropping weight! But the second I allow myself to insert a “bad” food into that flow I have…it’s like a loss of control! I can’t stop, I can’t eat one cookie, I can’t eat 2, I just eat and eat and eat, then not long after that I completely stop tracking, next thing I know I’ve gained 10lbs and I’m extremely unhappy!

I’ve done enough research and reading to understand the calories in VS calories out, i know how to do it! If it wasn’t for the amount of time I spend working out, I know my weight would be higher! That scares me! What if I get injured and I can’t workout?

Eating disorders are such a stigma, people don’t want to talk about them, those who have never dealt with them personally can’t sympathize with someone who does struggle! Just bescause I was a teenager when I was at my worst, doesn’t mean that as an adult, all my problems have gone away! Because they haven’t! I learned how to cope and how to deal, for the most part! I know my triggers. Doesn’t mean I’m always good at avoiding them or controlling them. I no longer purge, so I have come a long way in my walk with Eating disorders! Binging is and probably will always be a struggle for me!

Some people have judged my ability to train others or to help others lose weight because of my on again off again weight gain, because I don’t have visible abs, maybe I’m not the most athletic when it comes to some things, but I have a heart for helping people and I have the drive to be a better person and to help others to be the best they can be! Maybe being a trainer wasn’t the best choice for my profession given my history, and the judgement that comes along with the industry, but I love what I do!

I allow social standards of what a woman should look like determine how I️ feel about myself somedays! That’s silly because I’m an adult! I know better, for the most part, I really could care less what others think about me, but if I’m judged based on my weight, or my aesthetics or lack there of, it’s a huge trigger for me! It’s something I literally can’t control! I lm not sure what the road ahead looks like for me in regards to my food! Some days i wish i was as focused on my food as I am with my workouts! My lifts don’t discourage me, even on a horrible day…but food has that affect! I hate feeling guilty for eating cake, that seems so silly! Writing it all out makes it seem so insignificant to worry about something so trivial when things could be so much worse for me! Unfortunately, this is the way my brain works! I’m happy binging, until it’s over…I’m unhappy tracking because of the restriction I feel! It’s a lose lose battle for me! Hopefully one day I beat this! For now it’s a matter of survival and doing what needs to be done for me to be healthy!

I hope anyone out there that is struggling with an eating disorder, that you seek help! If your purging, please talk to someone! Your quality of life is so much better when that is not a daily ritual in your life!Unfortunately there is no cure for Eating Disorders, just tools that can teach you to cope! If you know someone who is struggling, be there for them, try to understand the strength it takes to overcome this!

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Sport Bra and Booty shorts demean women and children.

So, I read this article a few days ago, actually a few of them, regarding the sexualization of the fitness industry and the impact it has on young girls self-esteem. The article talked about women, and the clothing they wear while working out, how they expose more of themselves then they should, how they are teaching young girls to sexualize themselves during a workout in order to get attention. hmmmm? Not one single word in their about how almost every gym or CrossFit box you walk into, men strut around with no shirts, tight shorts, grunting and moaning as they attempt heavy weights. Is that not sexualization? Why do female athletes only fall into this category?

After thinking about it, I wasn’t sure which side of the table I’m on. Until the other day. My love for fitness is not a secret. I have a business page, I work as a Personal Trainer, my personal Fb page is basically a shrine to all things I do, fitness! Sorry, not sorry. However, the other day, my 4yr old and my 9 yr old are watching the Crossfit Regionals with me. We probably watched about 2 hours of it. Not one single time, did either girl ask or even mention what any of the female athletes were wearing, or why they didn’t have a shirt on or why they didn’t have long pants on! Not one single time. I don’t know if that’s because for the last 3 years both girls have spent a ton of time in a Crossfit box, where it’s fairly normal to see the short shorts and the sports bras on the ladies, or if because, the entire time both girls were completely enthralled with the things these ladies were doing. I kept hearing them say things like, “I’m gonna be strong like her”, “I’m gonna be fast like her”, ” I wanna do what she’s doing”. The obsession was with their abilities, not with what they were wearing.

I sincerely believe, while children do emulate the people they hold in the highest regard, I also believe that as parents, we have the ability to mold the situation into what best fits our beliefs. My husband does  want my young girls dressed modestly when they are in public, so they wear tank tops or t-shirts over their sports bras, as do I. My oldest has asked why she can’t take her shirt off, and my response to her is, your too young. When you are older and you feel comfortable enough to do so, that’s fine, but your still a kid, and its appropriate for you to have a shirt on!

Now, let me make one thing clear. I wont stop going to CrossFit! What I will do, is be firm in my stance that they will be covered up, and they will be modest in public places. I totally understand that children are impressionable. However, in reality, I spend more time with them than anyone at any of these places. So, I have more of an impression on them then anyone else. I just have to be willing  to stand up and be louder and more impactful.

As for how these ladies dress, I mean  can you blame them? Look at them! They are strong and beautiful. They have conditioned their bodies to be capable of more than any other woman could ever dream of doing! They are simply amazing. Are we not being a bully on the playground, when we ridicule and demean them for what they are wearing while they workout. If they are comfortable, if their significant other has no issue, then why do the rest of us?   I have the privilege of being friends with some awesome ladies who workout in short shorts and sports bra, and frankly, I don’t think twice about it. Except when I attempt to wear some little shorts while cleaning my house and I’m constantly having to pull them down and I wonder….how do these ladies jump around and kill a metcon and not have to adjust every 2 minutes? lol!

The point I’m making, while yes, my girls are exposed to women who workout without shirts on, they are also exposed to women who are strong, strong in all aspects. They have all the traits I want my girls to have…confidence, strong bodies, strong personalities, a love for fitness, a love for other women, a love for my girls. Can I really ask for anything else? Why would I take away the exposure to such wonderful women from my girls, because 3x a week, my girls watch these women take off their t-shirts, exposing their sports bra, they watch these women smash heavy weights over and over and over again. They have experienced these women, shed blood and tears for each other, scream and yell, jump up and down cheering on other ladies, as they push themselves through an excoriating workout. How is removing them from such a positive and uplifting experience going to fix anything? We are told to teach our girls to be uplifting towards each other, however, in reality, society demeans and rips apart women for the dumbest things. If you don’t like the CrossFit girls in their short shorts and sports bras, strutting those rock hard glutes and strong thighs that can crush watermelons, then you can find somewhere else, but don’t try to break them down for being who they are…STRONG CONFIDENT WOMEN!

 

Just some fitness

I decided to incorporate my public workouts from my business page and Facebook page to my blog as well!!! I hope to reach and help more people!! 

Please like, share and follow! 
25 min time cap:100 jumping jacks 

20 shoulder presses

10 weighted step ups 
100jumping jacks 

15 shoulder presses 

15 weighted step ups
100 jumping jacks 

10 shoulder presses 

20 weighted step ups 
* if need be choose to do the modified version of jumping jacks, or do high knees for 1min.

For shoulder presses, start position begins with arms parallel to the floor, elbows bent making a 90 degree angle! keep chest up, core tight, choose a weight that is moderate but challenging, push weight all the way up over your head, and bringing arms back down to start position in a controlled manner! Repeat for number of reps! 

For weighted step ups, if you have a plyo box, that’s great, if not, you can use a bench, or steps! Don’t choose something that is to high, and costs you your form, or you can slip or miss and get hurt! Hold dumbless to your side, step up with one leg, down with the other, both feet meet back on the ground, step up with opposite leg, other legs meets on the box, stand up right completely, step down with opposite foot you stepped up with, feet meet together on the ground, repeats for number of reps! Choose a moderate but challenging weight, keep your chest up, core right and drive through those heels, quads and hamstrings as you step up onto the box!* 
Good luck! Have fun! Don’t forget to share, like and follow! 

#fitnessfun 

#bodyweight 

#weights 

#getmoving 

#empower 

#gainz 

#goals 

#fitspo 

#workoutyoucandoathome 

#lessthan30min 

#fewminutestoyourself 

#doitforyou