Weight Struggles

This topic has been weighing on my heart for some time, and when i woke up this morning and it was the first thing I thought of, i realized how much it truly affects me! So, I decided to put it on paper and let it out! Maybe someone out there has the same struggle and I can help them to understand that they are not alone!

Every morning, like clockwork, it’s the same routine! I get up, make coffee, use the bathroom and then strip down and weigh myself! That moment determines how the rest of my day will go! If it’s lower, I feel accomplished, I feel empowered, motivated! If it’s the same, I’m indifferent! I didn’t gain, so I’m not upset, but i didn’t lose either, so maybe I need to try harder!? If the number is up…prepare to deal with my cranky side the rest of the day! No matter what that number is, I will still pick apart everything I did wrong the day before! Maybe if I hadn’t tasted the food before I seasoned it the scale would be lower! Maybe if I had drank just 20oz more of water, the scale would have gone down! Then I begin analyzing my workouts! Maybe I could have gone harder! Maybe I need to start logging how many calories I’m burning for each workout! Maybe I should lift less and increase my cardio! Should I nix my lifting until I drop all this body fat and then start lifting again!

Every day, all day, this is what’s it’s like in my head! It’s constant! It’s draining, it’s numbing! It makes me second guess everything I eat! My current struggle is with getting my food in check! While I still obsess over the scale everyday, and I still obsess over my food, I’m currently struggling with tracking, with portion control, with cravings! I’m struggling with my inability to limit myself! Because I’m afraid! I’ve been In that dark place! So many times! I’ve been sickly skinny, I’ve purged over and over again, I’ve binged and then purged, some times multiple times in 1 day! I was bad off! With that being said, I struggle with tracking! While it does give me a sense of control, it also makes me uneasy! I don’t like to limit my food choices because it makes me feel like I’m spiraling back into the dark places! However, at 33yrs old with 2 kids, I struggle with maintaining my weight!

If I religiously track, and I keep it clean, I succeed at dropping weight! But the second I allow myself to insert a “bad” food into that flow I have…it’s like a loss of control! I can’t stop, I can’t eat one cookie, I can’t eat 2, I just eat and eat and eat, then not long after that I completely stop tracking, next thing I know I’ve gained 10lbs and I’m extremely unhappy!

I’ve done enough research and reading to understand the calories in VS calories out, i know how to do it! If it wasn’t for the amount of time I spend working out, I know my weight would be higher! That scares me! What if I get injured and I can’t workout?

Eating disorders are such a stigma, people don’t want to talk about them, those who have never dealt with them personally can’t sympathize with someone who does struggle! Just bescause I was a teenager when I was at my worst, doesn’t mean that as an adult, all my problems have gone away! Because they haven’t! I learned how to cope and how to deal, for the most part! I know my triggers. Doesn’t mean I’m always good at avoiding them or controlling them. I no longer purge, so I have come a long way in my walk with Eating disorders! Binging is and probably will always be a struggle for me!

Some people have judged my ability to train others or to help others lose weight because of my on again off again weight gain, because I don’t have visible abs, maybe I’m not the most athletic when it comes to some things, but I have a heart for helping people and I have the drive to be a better person and to help others to be the best they can be! Maybe being a trainer wasn’t the best choice for my profession given my history, and the judgement that comes along with the industry, but I love what I do!

I allow social standards of what a woman should look like determine how I️ feel about myself somedays! That’s silly because I’m an adult! I know better, for the most part, I really could care less what others think about me, but if I’m judged based on my weight, or my aesthetics or lack there of, it’s a huge trigger for me! It’s something I literally can’t control! I lm not sure what the road ahead looks like for me in regards to my food! Some days i wish i was as focused on my food as I am with my workouts! My lifts don’t discourage me, even on a horrible day…but food has that affect! I hate feeling guilty for eating cake, that seems so silly! Writing it all out makes it seem so insignificant to worry about something so trivial when things could be so much worse for me! Unfortunately, this is the way my brain works! I’m happy binging, until it’s over…I’m unhappy tracking because of the restriction I feel! It’s a lose lose battle for me! Hopefully one day I beat this! For now it’s a matter of survival and doing what needs to be done for me to be healthy!

I hope anyone out there that is struggling with an eating disorder, that you seek help! If your purging, please talk to someone! Your quality of life is so much better when that is not a daily ritual in your life!Unfortunately there is no cure for Eating Disorders, just tools that can teach you to cope! If you know someone who is struggling, be there for them, try to understand the strength it takes to overcome this!

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Getting to the Core of it!

The Truth about Abs

        I have been trying to figure out what exactly my next blog post was going to be about. Bouncing ideas around the last few days, however none of them really stood out. Until yesterday. When the reality of the egotistical industry I work in hit me like a ton of bricks. I was taken back a bit, until I realized I was staring myself in the face.

        So, as we all know, school is about to end; for some of us, beach vacations are upon us, short shorts, crop tops, the choice between two piece or a one piece, sun kissed skin and sun bleached hair. There is one thing, that is seemingly on every one’s mind, and social media doesn’t let you forget…. ABS! Every morning as I sip my coffee and scroll through Facebook, my feed is flooded with 10 min AB challenge, or that magic pill or smoothie that will have your abs popping by dinner. Nonsense. Let me just start out by saying, there is no such pill, no such shake, no wraps, no specific workout that will produce AB’s in a short period of time. What will produce those results, are low body fat, good nutrition, and good genetics. The reason I decided to blog about this topic is due to the discussion I had with two brand new female clients the last two days. It literally blew my mind that both women… BOTH, literally said the exact same thing to me. They both said “I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR VISIBLE ABS!” WHAT?? 

          My first initial reaction was, is it that serious? Really? Anything? As I listened to both of these women talk about this goal they have of visible abs, I reazlied, this idea was coming from social media and not just  Facebook, twitter, etc. Just media in general. Fitness, has been sexualized, and women want to be desired. As mothers and wives, as we enter our 30s, 40s, we realize our youth is behind us, gravity has begun to take control of all things that once stood up right without the help of wonder bras, and double sided tape! We want to be tight and flawless. The media is quick to share photos and videos of fitness models and athletes who have 12 pack core, very little body fat, glimmering with sweat as they promote different supplements that will help the everyday joe schmoe get that desired chiseled look. What the media fails to show, and what most people fail to realize, those athletes spend, years of their lives, hours and hours of their days training, and training hard. They are meticulous about what they put in their bodies, supplement wise and nutrition wise. They are on strict nutrition programs, to make sure they are fueled properly for the energy they are expelling and the type of sport they are training for. They didn’t wake up one day and miraculously have that chiseled core and amazing athletic ability. They trained hard, they gave up things, they sacrificed.

                As I explained to these ladies, the work it was going to take to produce the results they wanted, I could tell that wasn’t what they wanted to hear. Based on the conversation, they thought they could keep up with their moderate 2x a week cardio sessions, neglect of the weight room, and lack of proper nutrition and basically just add some crunches and planks and achieve the desired look, by the end of the week. When I explained that while it was a good idea to train their core, for strength and in time, aesthetics, until their body fat came down, they wouldn’t have visible abdominal muscles. Their response… “So, the ab challenge on Facebook won’t give me abs?” Unless your body fat is already low, the answer is no!

                Thinking about this throughout the last few days, I realized…. that was me! At one point in my fitness journey, I was always doing those ab challenges, always wondering when they were going to pop through. It wasn’t until I got serious about my nutrition, that I realized, I really don’t care if I ever have a 6 pack. Having them meant I was going to have to be meticulous about my nutrition, almost all the time, to maintain.  This means, carefully choosing where I go out to eat, making sure what I eat fits into my daily macros, maintaining my workouts, skipping delicious foods at family functions, because there is literally no way to track those foods. It’s just not worth it to me. Would I like ABs? Sure, are they my priority? No. Will I celebrate the day I see one show through? MOST DEFINATLY! The celebration may possibly be with a cupcake…kidding…. not kidding. The point is, that look takes sacrifice, unless your one of those people who won the genetic lottery and have that carved, sculpted look without even trying, Abs take work and they take sacrifice. Continue reading Getting to the Core of it!

I’M BACK! *UPDATE*

 

Phew!!!!  it’s been a while since I have blogged anything. It’s been a crazy crazy year. Where to begin? Let’s see, I stopped CrossFit and began strictly training for an Olympic Lifting meet. During this time, I was interning at our Barbell Club as an OLY coach. The hardest part wasnt the heavy lifting or all the food I had to consume…that was the fun part…the hard part was giving up cardio. I’m not going to lie, it was nice not having to run, or be out of breath, but it was difficult to exit that state of mind. During this time, my husband put in for a promotion, and was offered the job….in Louisiana, 9 hours away!!! So, ten days after accepting the position, we drove to La, found a home, drove back to TN, packed up all our stuff, drove back to La, moved into our new home, 3 days later, DROVE BACK to TN, competed in our Oly Meet, and then finally DROVE back to La, for good. There was so much driving, it was exhausting, physically and mentally. Despite all the chaos, the husband and I managed to place first place in our weight classes for our OLY meet. That was exciting and rewarding, I wasn’t optimistic going into the meet, so it was nice to reap the rewards of my hard work.

 

                Once we settled into our new home and new routine, my middle child started the new school year and I found a job. The local Wellness Center offered me a Part Time Personal Training position. In the beginning, it was just a way to meet new people and enjoy my love of fitness. However, its turned into so much more. I love love love the job and all my clients. I’ve made great friends and a handful of my clients who have been consistent have made tremendous progress. I really didn’t think things could get much better. Until my boss asked me if I was interested in becoming trained in house to become a regular Spin Instructor. WHAT?? I must admit, I was hesitant and nervous. It was hard in the beginning, now, 4 months later, I’m teaching 2 classes a week! Wasn’t sure it could get any better! I really need to stop saying that. Two months ago, I was asked if I would become the Heavy Bag Instructor for our Center. I said yes, I spent a few weeks training and I started teaching. I am currently the only class instructor and its booming.  I have most defiantly been blessed this last year.

 

I made two large commitments to myself at the start of the new year. I decided that I was going to take my health serious, get the extra weight off, get my Body fat to where it needs to be and get serious about my training. If I’m going to be a Personal Trainer, and teach people about living a healthy lifestyle, I need to practice what I preach. Another promise I made to myself, was to let go. Stop trying to micro manage and let things happen. With that, I had to give my life over to Jesus.  That meant, knowing, and trusting that it’s in his hands, and that he will take care of my family and myself. That was hard for me. Giving up all control to God, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. However, once finally doing so, the rewards have been nonstop. His love has been insurmountable and with that I am eternally grateful.

 

                With all I’m glad to be back, be more consistent and to share my love and passion for fitness with everyone that I can reach.

 

Rachel