Weight Struggles

This topic has been weighing on my heart for some time, and when i woke up this morning and it was the first thing I thought of, i realized how much it truly affects me! So, I decided to put it on paper and let it out! Maybe someone out there has the same struggle and I can help them to understand that they are not alone!

Every morning, like clockwork, it’s the same routine! I get up, make coffee, use the bathroom and then strip down and weigh myself! That moment determines how the rest of my day will go! If it’s lower, I feel accomplished, I feel empowered, motivated! If it’s the same, I’m indifferent! I didn’t gain, so I’m not upset, but i didn’t lose either, so maybe I need to try harder!? If the number is up…prepare to deal with my cranky side the rest of the day! No matter what that number is, I will still pick apart everything I did wrong the day before! Maybe if I hadn’t tasted the food before I seasoned it the scale would be lower! Maybe if I had drank just 20oz more of water, the scale would have gone down! Then I begin analyzing my workouts! Maybe I could have gone harder! Maybe I need to start logging how many calories I’m burning for each workout! Maybe I should lift less and increase my cardio! Should I nix my lifting until I drop all this body fat and then start lifting again!

Every day, all day, this is what’s it’s like in my head! It’s constant! It’s draining, it’s numbing! It makes me second guess everything I eat! My current struggle is with getting my food in check! While I still obsess over the scale everyday, and I still obsess over my food, I’m currently struggling with tracking, with portion control, with cravings! I’m struggling with my inability to limit myself! Because I’m afraid! I’ve been In that dark place! So many times! I’ve been sickly skinny, I’ve purged over and over again, I’ve binged and then purged, some times multiple times in 1 day! I was bad off! With that being said, I struggle with tracking! While it does give me a sense of control, it also makes me uneasy! I don’t like to limit my food choices because it makes me feel like I’m spiraling back into the dark places! However, at 33yrs old with 2 kids, I struggle with maintaining my weight!

If I religiously track, and I keep it clean, I succeed at dropping weight! But the second I allow myself to insert a “bad” food into that flow I have…it’s like a loss of control! I can’t stop, I can’t eat one cookie, I can’t eat 2, I just eat and eat and eat, then not long after that I completely stop tracking, next thing I know I’ve gained 10lbs and I’m extremely unhappy!

I’ve done enough research and reading to understand the calories in VS calories out, i know how to do it! If it wasn’t for the amount of time I spend working out, I know my weight would be higher! That scares me! What if I get injured and I can’t workout?

Eating disorders are such a stigma, people don’t want to talk about them, those who have never dealt with them personally can’t sympathize with someone who does struggle! Just bescause I was a teenager when I was at my worst, doesn’t mean that as an adult, all my problems have gone away! Because they haven’t! I learned how to cope and how to deal, for the most part! I know my triggers. Doesn’t mean I’m always good at avoiding them or controlling them. I no longer purge, so I have come a long way in my walk with Eating disorders! Binging is and probably will always be a struggle for me!

Some people have judged my ability to train others or to help others lose weight because of my on again off again weight gain, because I don’t have visible abs, maybe I’m not the most athletic when it comes to some things, but I have a heart for helping people and I have the drive to be a better person and to help others to be the best they can be! Maybe being a trainer wasn’t the best choice for my profession given my history, and the judgement that comes along with the industry, but I love what I do!

I allow social standards of what a woman should look like determine how I️ feel about myself somedays! That’s silly because I’m an adult! I know better, for the most part, I really could care less what others think about me, but if I’m judged based on my weight, or my aesthetics or lack there of, it’s a huge trigger for me! It’s something I literally can’t control! I lm not sure what the road ahead looks like for me in regards to my food! Some days i wish i was as focused on my food as I am with my workouts! My lifts don’t discourage me, even on a horrible day…but food has that affect! I hate feeling guilty for eating cake, that seems so silly! Writing it all out makes it seem so insignificant to worry about something so trivial when things could be so much worse for me! Unfortunately, this is the way my brain works! I’m happy binging, until it’s over…I’m unhappy tracking because of the restriction I feel! It’s a lose lose battle for me! Hopefully one day I beat this! For now it’s a matter of survival and doing what needs to be done for me to be healthy!

I hope anyone out there that is struggling with an eating disorder, that you seek help! If your purging, please talk to someone! Your quality of life is so much better when that is not a daily ritual in your life!Unfortunately there is no cure for Eating Disorders, just tools that can teach you to cope! If you know someone who is struggling, be there for them, try to understand the strength it takes to overcome this!

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Macro’ing and Moving

Amongst the boxes, hauling away stuff to donate, filling my trash bin past its breaking point, arguing with children about why I’m throwing away broken toys..”NO, I will not buy you a new one!”,  tripping over boxes, and doing other mom stuff, wife stuff, work stuff, I find myself wondering about food! Shocking, I know! Hard to believe I’m thinking about food, as I’m stuffing my face with my third meal of the day! hehe.  As I’m packig up nonessential kitchen items, I got to thinking about what exactly my plan is going to be for the next 30-45 days we are here. The husband will be gone to his new job, so it will be the kiddos and I left to feed. Kids are easy.  Well, at least mine are. Bascially, they live off of ramen noodles (gross), peanut butter and jelly, or fluff for my four year old, frozen pizza, or they  are held against their will and tortured into eating what I cook. The latter for them is equivalent to being forced into child slavery. Bunch of drama queens! Chicken is good for you. If ya ask my nine year old, she would disagree as she refuses to swallow that piece of chicken shes been  chewing for 30 minutes…super gross. Anyways,  doing the macro counting, my meals are for the most part, faily simple. Most days, I’m eating almost the exact same thing. Its just easier that way. Howver, Iim trying to make this even easier, minimual supplies, very few dishes to wash, dry and put away, little clean up. Basically, I want to pack my entire kitchen, and still be able to feed my kids and be on the mark with my macros! So, how am I going to do that??? WELL, since you asked…..

I have already been doing it, just in a messier, less frugal way. So, to minimize my effort, I will stick to the basics. Choose 1 meat to eat for 2-3 meals a day for 6 days, 1 type of veggie and 1 complex carb. The next week, Ill change up what I eat. Breakfast is usually the same thing, some form of eggs, some form of other protein and toast. Sometimes I switch it up and make breakfast pizza or breakfast sandwhich. I don’t worry about prepping breakfast, because I’m home for it. Lunch and dinner are usually the more hectic, I’m home from work logn enough to eat, get some cleaning done and then I go back. I don’t want to spend the little time I have, cooking and cleaning my mess. Dinner is the worst. I’m getting home from work, girls need showers, I wanna just sit down and not expend any energy, but kids have to eat. So, I want simple!!!

So, step 1: Cook chicken.! Seems easy enough. I went easier, 2.5lbs of frozen chicken, taken out of its packaging, placed in crockpot, seasoned as desired, lid on, turn on high, let cook 4 hours…BAM!!! Chicken done.  I shred it, add a bit more seasoning, transfer from crockpot to  Tupperware, and place in refridgerator. The chicken I made Sunday, has lasted me at least 2 meals a day and will be gone Friday night! Super easy. Very little effort.

Step 2: What to make with it? Veggies, of course. I actually bought the 3lb bag of birds eye stirfry mix. I throw away the season packet, and just use the frozen veggies. So, lunch and dinner vegetables are done. I don’t separate and weigh out for all week, because I eat different amounts everyday, so I leave it in the original bag, and just weigh out what I need, when I need it. No extra mess.

Step 3:  So, do I make sweet potatoes or rice? While I really love rice, I am not a fan of day old, let alone week old rice, especially when its been cold. So, sweet potatos it is. For these I just bought a 5 lb bag from Walmart. I don’t pre-cook them, cause  I don’t like how soggy they get. However, its really no trouble to prepare, I weigh the one I want, stick it in the microwave for 6 mins, and DONE!

All things considered, what will I need unpacked in my kitchen? Crockpot, fork, knife, spoon, Spatula, cast Iron skillet, cookie sheet, microwave, 3 plates, 3 bowels, dish soap and sponge. Now THAT is frugal!!!

I feel pretty good about this. I don’t mind eating the same thing over and over again, especially since I do switch it up, week to week. My kids are easy, if I decide they are eating what I have, then my chicken may not last as ong1 That’s ok, its nothing to throw more chicken in the crockpot before I go to bed, let it cook all night, and put it in the refridgerator before I leave for work in the morning.

 

 

 

Snack Proof

imageIf your human, then you have suffered from the snack attack. The moment in time, when the hunger pain strikes, you have wondered aimlessly around your kitchen, opening cabinets, drawers, scouring the pantry and fridge for that perfect snack. Your not sure what it is that you want, and everything you have, has no appeal to this insatiable desire for that unknown food. Three things happen in this moment, you finally decide on the snack, it may not be exactly what you wanted, but its cured that nagging hunger pain, you have snacked on almost everything you have in the house, nothing hit the spot, or you have chosen to not eat anything, and will walk around HANGRY, until you figure out what it is exactly that you are needing. Does this sound like you? I know I have many days, sometimes a few times a day when I feel famished. The snack attack is even worse, if your trying to change your nutrition habits. The need to eat and curb that craving can make you angry, irritable, tired, frustrated, etc etc. You don’t want to destroy all the good you have done that day, week(s). So what do you do? How do you feed the craving without destroying all you have worked for. EASY. Prepare. First off, take a good hard look at these cravings. When do they hit? What are you doing in that moment? How long has it been since you last ate or drank something? What did you last eat or drink? These are important questions, and you need to be honest with yourself. Are you really hungry, or are you bored, thirsty?  Personally, I noticed that my cravings hit, when my children napped. Its was quiet, first time I have had a second to think, to sit down. That’s when the cravings hit. HMMMMM…..I’M HUNGRY!!! What do I want? EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING!!! In most cases, I try to take a hard look at the situation and determine if I’m really hungry or not. Some times I discover, this moment of craving, is actually the first time I have thought about food all day. I haven’t eaten breakfast, had a snack, nothing. Ive consumed water and coffee, usually numerous cups. So in this case, I’M FAMISHED and I need to eat. On the other hand, on days when I have eaten breakfast, had a snack and eaten lunch, the moment of craving, is pure and utter boredom. So, what do I do. Well, in the case of boredom, I decide if I really wanna push my next meal time up. Do I have another workout planned? If not, I move my snack time up, and have whats on the menu. If I have a workout later, then the snack time needs to stay put, so I can be fueled for the torture I will be enduring later that day. So, if I’m starving and I cant eat, I get up and do something. I chug some water, fold some laundry, vacuum, do some reading, take the dogs out, yoga, stretch, write programming for clients, etc. You get the idea. Get moving. Nine times outta ten, that boredom craving will subside, because you are busy and have forgotten about it. If you get busy and you cant seem to shake the craving, then you need to take a look at what your eating. That’s a different post.

PREPARE! I try to keep all my trigger foods out the house, Oreo’s, fruit snacks, chips. You know what I’m talking about. I purchase things that are light, but have good nutritional value. I keep measuring cups and spoons handy. Its important to understand how to read the nutritional information on packaging as well. Keep to your serving sizes, watch your portions. Pack your snacks if your going to be out and about for the day. Doing so, you will avoid drive thru and convenience store junk.

So today, I had a desire to eat. I have Class tonight, Olympic Lifting to be exact. 1 hour of high volume, heavy weight, self induced torture. Its what I love. Its important that I fuel myself for that. So, I eat. Today, it was 1/2 cup of 2% cottage cheese, and a 1/4 cup of Real Medley Super Grain Granola (apple cinnamon). I get my carbs, fat, protein, and some sweetness all in one. It holds me until I eat again before class. If your not a cottage cheese kinda person, switch it up for some Vanilla Greek yogurt.